This Machine Killed Cancer

Some people have asked me how I can be so positive in the face of what I’m going through.  I’m not going to lie to you - sometimes this is really hard.  Especially during the last few weeks.  There have been days of pain and discomfort, when my skin hurts to touch and I don’t have enough energy to walk across the room.  I’ve cried to Rebekah and whined like a baby that I didn’t want to do this anymore.  Then there have been days where the pain gets so bad that I don’t talk at all.  Usually when I feel bad, I don’t write much, so this blog only gets me on my good days. 

During the first part of this cancer ordeal, when the tumors were in my chest and the chemo seemed to be taking care of them, it was easy to stay positive.  I laughed the whole thing off, pretended I was Br’er Rabbit and kept moving.  But after the doctors discovered that the cancer had spread to my brain, I spent a long time thinking that I was going to die.  People say positive thinking prevails, but it’s no good lying to yourself, telling yourself you’re not going to die when you’re deep down thinking that you are.

This round of chemo is much harder than anything I’ve gone through before.  The pain is greater, the side effects are worse, and I’m spending every other week in the hospital.  But at some point during this process, I decided to start living again.  My band (The Future Kings of Nowhere) is recording a new album that is going to be even better than our last, and Rebekah and I are moving on with the life plans that we had started to put together before cancer got in the way.  I was joking around with my friend Niko (whose comic genius is responsible for the name of this blog … he has his own blog here: anticancer.tumblr.com) about making some cancer themed T-Shirts to sell as a fundraiser.  He came up with the gem “Cancer is what happens while you’re making other plans.”  It’s time for us to go back to the other plans.

I woke up this morning in the hospital, the sun was shining, and I felt pretty good.  I took a shower, sent some emails and started working on the horn parts for the album (I have a keyboard in the hospital room now - thanks Matt!).  The point is, I can’t always be positive about what’s going on, but I’ve decided to keep living either way.  And the days when I feel good are absolutely amazing.